happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
