we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
