she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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