I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
