i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
