somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
