Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
