i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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