Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
