me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
