I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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