if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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