you guys were way drunker than both of me
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
