You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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