Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
