did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
