we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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