The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't judge me 👊🼠his dick just whispers my name
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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