My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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