Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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