I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
