i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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