i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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