Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
