Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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