She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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