At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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