i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
