My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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