Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
