my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken