You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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