yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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