You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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