Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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