So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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