Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
