half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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