somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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