they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
