Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
