just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
