DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
