I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I checked into jail on foursquare
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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