Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
