I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk is a universal language darling
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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