Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The best revenge is premature balding
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
