I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
