wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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