i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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