i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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