How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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