My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
