i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
